


This Love (My Privilege) by Vulcan Lover

by KSForever



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: KS Archive Kismet Con Poem Entry, M/M, Starts with a poem but is a proper story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2018-10-03 09:24:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10241531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KSForever/pseuds/KSForever
Summary: Summary:The poem I entered into the Kismet 2016 Poem Comp, and a story to go with it. Kirk & Spock BIG TIME love & Separation Anxiety Grieving... Undying Love - an emotionally tortured, emotive Vulcan here; he's been 'whumped' so badly by life's events. Some hope toward the end... NOW INCLUDING THE THIRD CHAPTER THAT I THOUGHT WAS ALREADY POSTED IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE EARLIER CHAPTERS!!!Hinted at McSpock and McSpirk in chapter 3 - Definite McSpirk/McSpock, and McKirk, in CHAPTER 4!!





	1. Chapter 1

This Love (My Privilege) – The KS Anniversary Love Poem  
For Kismet Con’s Competition  
Written On: 9.3.16  
Competition words on lines: 7 (Augment) and 9 (Gratuitous)  
Word Count: 528

 

This love, whether denied, or spoken  
It is with me  
Whether I can heed it, or not  
In the face of duty, and when I step aside from our vocation, at any time,  
This love is with me  
It is with me, and will remain so  
It will continue to augment my every day  
To comfort me when other aspects  
Of life, become gratuitous  
And give me strength, even if to employ that strength must mean  
We will ever have to be apart  
This love, it has already done precisely that  
When you, or I, have had to make a choice  
Regardless of which of us  
Has been left behind  
We both have known that this love  
Exists  
And, yes, I do hope and wish fervently  
That we never have to endure that pain again  
But I need you to know that I never have blamed you  
And never will  
For any such thing you might blame yourself for  
And, while I know that you will tell me,  
I should listen to my own words  
This love compels me to apologise still  
Whether something was, or is, ever my fault  
And this love  
It will still want to be heard  
Even when we alone together, and even though  
We must always be discreet  
It will fuel my emotions  
Though some may never know of it…  
I realise that, by human standards, I must barely seem to show  
This love I have for you;  
This love that is because of you  
This love; this love that you feel, too  
It will be with me each day of this life  
And it will go with me into the next existence  
Writing this down may be ‘dangerous’  
Yet, what is more so  
Is that this love; now acknowledged as it is between us  
Might have given you more questions than answers  
I try to give you everything  
Access to all the love that wells up inside of me;  
Every thought it inspires  
Every memory it triggers  
Every sensation that I feel, deeply  
Behind the barriers  
I try, and yet, I know that  
Because of what I have always had to try and be  
Breaking down every single wall  
Will not be easy for you, or me  
So, my love, on this, our anniversary  
When I find myself not knowing what else, what more, I can give  
Know that you are my T’hy’la; the partner to my soul  
And I do love you, truly  
I know what love is  
I have come to know it  
Since it blossomed in my heart (the metaphysical place where I am told love resides)  
Yet, this love, exists throughout me  
It twines with me, as you twine with me  
You are it; You are love, my love  
And, this love, it melds us, and makes us stronger as individuals  
When we need to be  
Even in the line of duty  
Yet, as we acknowledge that our retirement is ‘on the horizon’  
To share this new step in life with you  
To ‘step down’, in a sense,  
And into your arms, in every sense,  
Will be, as this life with you has always been,  
My privilege, Jim


	2. This Love (Separated)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This Love (Separated)
> 
> Story written to go with the poem I entered into the Kismet 2016 UK Poem comp, but I could not enter it into the story comp as I’d already met my quota of story entries… So, I’ve printed it here. Warnings for Major Character Death…

McCoy looked around. The place was still tidy, but he’d noticed some damage to one of the walls. Spock had told him he could turn up early in the day, but Leonard McCoy still felt a little like he was encroaching on Spock’s privacy. He supposed he’d feel that, no matter what time of day he’d arrived. He’d just walked into the kitchen, and found Spock sitting at the breakfast table, but not eating. He sat opposite Spock, and put his Doctor’s bag on the table as he did so.

Spock looked up. “I hadn’t realised, when you asked to visit, that you would be bringing that with you.” He noted.

“This goes everywhere I go.” Leonard told Spock. “And, you have bruises on your hand, Spock. Bruises that you could have treated yourself, with things programmed into the Replicator.”

Spock looked at both his hands, side by side. “I had not noticed.” Spock found himself speaking, after a long pause during which Doctor McCoy applied a tissue regenerator to his mottled hand. “The emotions of losing him are too strong to ignore.”

McCoy’s eyes darted up, at such an open admission.

Spock ignored McCoy’s expected reaction. “I don’t know what to do but look up at the sky; look for the possibility that the Nexus anomaly could return. If it does, perhaps, it will lead me to where it took Jim. I need to do my research; interview some of the survivors – see if it is true that some of them had heard of this so called Nexus before experiencing it for themselves; that would suggest a pattern to it, and that it will return; though I know conditions may be key, and may never be the same again. I feel the Bond torn and tattered, but I cannot believe he is gone – and yet, I feel his absence so keenly.”

McCoy put the tissue regenerator, and medicated skin cream back into his Doctor’s Bag, noticing a piece of paper on the table.

“I wrote it for Jim on our last anniversary. It’s my fault this has happened; look at what is written.” Spock told McCoy.

“This is your private life, Spock.” He noted.

“Read it.” Spock instructed. “Noting the line where I tempt fate; where I mention to Jim the fear that something like this might happen; I’d say it now has.”

This love, whether denied, or spoken  
It is with me  
Whether I can heed it, or not  
In the face of duty, and when I step aside from our vocation, at any time,  
This love is with me  
It is with me, and will remain so  
It will continue to augment my every day  
To comfort me when other aspects  
Of life, become gratuitous  
And give me strength, even if to employ that strength must mean  
We will ever have to be apart  
This love, it has already done precisely that  
When you, or I, have had to make a choice  
Regardless of which of us  
Has been left behind  
We both have known that this love  
Exists  
And, yes, I do hope and wish fervently  
That we never have to endure that pain again  
But I need you to know that I never have blamed you  
And never will  
For any such thing you might blame yourself for  
And, while I know that you will tell me,  
I should listen to my own words  
This love compels me to apologise still  
Whether something was, or is, ever my fault  
And this love  
It will still want to be heard  
Even when we alone together, and even though  
We must always be discreet  
It will fuel my emotions  
Though some may never know of it…  
I realise that, by human standards, I must barely seem to show  
This love I have for you;  
This love that is because of you  
This love; this love that you feel, too  
It will be with me each day of this life  
And it will go with me into the next existence  
Writing this down may be ‘dangerous’  
Yet, what is more so  
Is that this love; now acknowledged as it is between us  
Might have given you more questions than answers  
I try to give you everything  
Access to all the love that wells up inside of me;  
Every thought it inspires  
Every memory it triggers  
Every sensation that I feel, deeply  
Behind the barriers  
I try, and yet, I know that  
Because of what I have always had to try and be  
Breaking down every single wall  
Will not be easy for you, or me  
So, my love, on this, our anniversary  
When I find myself not knowing what else, what more, I can give  
Know that you are my T’hy’la; the partner to my soul  
And I do love you, truly  
I know what love is  
I have come to know it  
Since it blossomed in my heart (the metaphysical place where I am told love resides)  
Yet, this love, exists throughout me  
It twines with me, as you twine with me  
You are it; You are love, my love  
And, this love, it melds us, and makes us stronger as individuals  
When we need to be  
Even in the line of duty  
Yet, as we acknowledge that our retirement is ‘on the horizon’  
To share this new step in life with you  
To ‘step down’, in a sense,  
And into your arms, in every sense,  
Will be, as this life with you has always been,  
My privilege, Jim

McCoy read, and tried to stop tears collecting in his eyes as he did so.

“While I helped yet more Cadets to face the Kobiyashi Maru test; Jim faced the real life equivalent; not for the first time, I realise, but I also realise I should have been there; next to him is my place, and since we were, are, retired from duty, I had no excuse to prioritise anyone else above my T’hy’la. I knew I should have attended the Enterprise B’s inaugural flight with him.” Spock mused.

“Then, he would be grieving for you now as you are grieving for him.” McCoy replied.

“Or we would have faced the same fate, together.” Spock answered.

“Then, I would be grieving for you both.” McCoy responded. “And, one thing’s for certain; you didn’t tempt fate with the lines of this poem. If we talk about the possibility of fate for a minute, then, you told it squarely, you didn’t want anything like this to happen again. You two have already faced so much.”

“We were not alone.” Spock answered.

“And, you are not alone now. I’m here – and whether Jim has gone on to the next life, or remains officially M.I.A, then, he won’t be far from you.”

 

Spock glared at McCoy.

“Yes, alright, bad terminology; I’m sorry – but he loves you, and you him. He will be supporting you throughout your life, Spock. You have to live, in spite of his absence. You can’t not.” McCoy pledged.

“Apparently, that is correct. This rigorous testing of the T’hy’la Bond has not yet killed me.” Spock replied.

“And, I will not let it.” Leonard told Spock. “Just as I would not let it, because you would not want me to, if Jim was the one sitting here; like you always thought it would be.”

“Even though a Vulcan’s lifespan is longer; hardly logical of me. None of this is logical of me. I do know that.” Spock reiterated.

“I know.” McCoy noted, daring to touch the hand of Spock’s that he’d just healed; massaging it.

Spock looked to McCoy. “I do not like life without him in it.”

“I’m not keen on it either. Not at the moment. I’ll never like the fact that we have to carry on without him. Yet, we do, and there must still be some good to be had from this life. Death is not the answer for those left behind, Spock. We are always still needed by someone, for some very good reason. Your poem says that the love you two share, is comfort to you when other things in life become gratuitous. Let that love be a comfort to you even now.” McCoy advised carefully.

“He would tell me not to blame myself, whether I should, or should not.” Spock stated, looking at McCoy.

“He and I are both telling you here; listen to the embers of your bond to hear it; you are not to blame.” McCoy insisted. “Now, please, let me give you a hypospray of meds for your nausea and insomnia lack of sleep. You must eat some breakfast. Then, heading back to bed for some sleep is the first of my medical orders to you for the day!”

“That bed; our bed?” Spock asked, speaking of his and Jim’s bed.

“Sleep in the armchair through there…” McCoy indicated the sitting room. “In front of the fire, which I’ll light for you, if you have to. Just let the pills work. Sleep. You won’t be haunted by dreams, not with the meds I have in mind to give you.”

Spock got up, and already headed to the armchair in the sitting room. “The sofa is where Jim and I would sit together. I will not sit or sleep there; it will be odd to see his corresponding armchair empty.” He told McCoy, who was, by now, walking alongside Spock, bringing his aforementioned Doctor’s bag with him. When they got to the sitting room, McCoy stayed close, as Spock walked slowly to the armchairs. “Try his, if you think it might help?” He suggested.

“It might. It might also bring home the stark truth even more.” Spock stared at the armchair in question.

McCoy switched on the hearth fire, and gathered up the nearby blankets for Spock’s use.

“Jim used to do that for me…” Spock said, noting McCoy holding the blankets in front of him, as he, Spock, acquiesced enough to try sitting in Jim’s armchair.

McCoy gently handed Spock the blankets. He then moved to the bag of his that he’d placed nearby, and brought it to Spock’s side. “I won’t let you be haunted by dreams. Try and keep the blankets around you. I want you to be a snug green blooded hobgoblin, please.”

Spock tried to cock an eyebrow at McCoy, the way he always had.

Doctor McCoy gave Spock a hypospray to help him regain his loss of appetite, and one to help him sleep soon. “I’ll go and get you some ‘Vulcan Spice’ toast and tea. Eat a bit if you can at all try – please, do – and then, the sleeping meds will have had time to kick in. Let me look after you.”

“Because Jim is not here to do so…?” Spock asked.

“Because he would want me to, and because I want to. You matter to me, Spock. As much as Jim will always matter to me.” McCoy replied gently.

“Thank you, Doctor.” Spock answered. “You matter to me as well; differently to Jim, but still, you matter.”

McCoy smiled, almost tearfully. “Thank you.” He murmured. After a moment, he began to move away. “It won’t take me long in the kitchen. I’ll be back quite soon.”

Spock did not like the idea of anyone but himself touching any object in this house, or anywhere else, that Jim was the last, previously, to touch – but Spock also knew that that was an illogical perimeter/parameter to put on this life, which must be led now; so, he had to start making efforts to let this particular grievance, at least, go. “Doctor,” Spock spoke up. “I can’t face Perrocan eggs as a meal today. Jim used to ‘make them’ for me.”

“Just the mildest form of Vulcan spice toast, with accompanying cup of tea – I promise.” McCoy looked back to Spock and smiled.

“Thank you.” Spock said genuinely, as he sat in Jim’s chair, and tried, not to wait for Jim’s return, whilst, simultaneously, waiting for it all the same; trying to find, and feel, the comfort, in being surrounded by blankets, furniture, other everyday things that Jim had touched; as though they, especially the blankets that were now covering him, were now a way of, literally, being surrounded by Jim’s love still – in their home, as Spock remained; needing, so greatly, himself and Jim to still be together. Were his feelings that this might be so, wishful human thinking? Were they phantoms of a broken soul, or a faraway one? Pangs, echoes; the described embers of the Bond; ‘embers’ being McCoy’s word? Spock was so very tired and confused. He also knew himself to be weak; his bleak and absolute honesty with his friend, Doctor McCoy, was a symptom of that, as well as of his humanity – which he’d been struggling to keep in its place all his life – but struggles like that mattered no longer. Besides which, being ashamed of being half human, might also be like saying that Jim was not good enough for him; being human himself. Jim was more than good enough for him, Spock had always known it. Spock also knew he had reasons to keep living this life; family; his parents. His mother was frail with age now, but she was still here in this life, and to lose her son again, as she did for a while before, would decimate her. His father might miss him, too. They’d made up many of their ‘arguments’ in recent years, and he knew his father to have feelings, truly; behind the barriers of the trained Vulcan mind. Spock’s feelings currently threatened to wreak havoc on him, and his life as it now was. He knew that his cup runneth over with emotions and feelings that he should be trying even harder, to manoeuvre back behind their usual bars. ‘Have we run out of miracles now, Jim?’ Spock pondered, as all of this was the maelstrom inside of him; which he knew he had to start getting a handle on – Yet, Spock knew himself to be so tired; so below par; so much so still thinking about the fact that he really wasn’t sure that anything, apart from Jim, that he’d thought mattered before, did actually matter, enough, anymore…

The End..?  
9.3.16/10.3.16


	3. Can We Save Our Love, or Save Ourselves, For Love?

Can We Save Love, Or Save Ourselves For Love?

Spock tried to steady the tremors. He tried to meditate away the needs; the periods of sweating, which Vulcans weren’t supposed to be able to do – Maybe not, in normal circumstances – or maybe, it was his half human genetics he had to thank for hallucinogenic outbreaks of sweating.

He lay there, this night, trying not to count the minutes, the passing of hours until Jim’s return, when all of this could be dealt with. Spock lay there, trying not to wish it would ease, or give in to the need to touch himself – but, sooner rather than later, he reasoned, that might be the logical thing to do. Or would it? Would it ease it, or would it start the fire burning deeper?

))))

Then, dawned the day; not the day Spock had been waiting, trying to keep alive for – but, instead, the day that almost killed him.

Jim would not be coming back. He was M.I.A, some said, presumed dead, after the Enterprise B’s disastrous inauguration flight.

That day, McCoy had come to be by Spock’s side, and he would not leave. Spock knew he would certainly never leave if he knew what Spock expected, that he (himself) was going through Pon Farr.

 

So, they went on, in the days following the news, living side by side, in Spock and Jim’s home- because it was still Jim’s home. It always would be.

Feeling particularly unwell this night, Spock had walked into the bathroom, and, in a daze, started the shower. He peeled off his clothes; some of them while he was actually under the shower head…

McCoy was walking past the bathroom, reading a historical novel, that in one hand, a cup of camomile tea in the other, heading back toward his bedroom. He heard the water running, and then, he heard the slump.

He put the tea down inside an empty jardinière in the hallway, chucked his book to one side, on the floor, and knocked on the bathroom door “Spock! Are you alright??” He couldn’t hear much in reply, so he tried the door handle, and was glad of the fact that, apparently, even Spock sometimes forgot to lock the bathroom door.

Moving in quickly, he saw Spock, crumpled against the shower wall. “Oh, Spock..!” He murmured, very worried, of course, as he turned off the shower, and knelt in front of Spock.

Spock’s eyes blinked open. “I miss him…” He told McCoy. “And, I think…” His voice drifted.

“You think what?” McCoy asked, touching the back of his hand to Spock’s face and forehead, in turn, thus beginning to come up with some ‘conclusions’ of his own.

“I think this is my Pon Farr.” Spock said, reaching out to McCoy, his friend, his arm shaky. “I want to die. If Jim is dead, then, I have no reason to live, and every reason to die. I do not wish to resolve this.”

McCoy had moved to get a towel, and switch on the ‘drier’ fans in the bathroom; at once, warm air, like a warm breeze, permeated the room. He moved back to Spock just as quickly. “And what if Jim is alive?? What if you do have every reason to live?”

“Then, how can I solve this without betraying him? I cannot.” Spock said. “I don’t even know that it would,” Spock paused, embarrassed, “would work.” He said “Now that Jim and I are Bonded –married.”

McCoy got up yet again, and moved the chair from the corner of the room, nearer to Spock. “Can you get onto the chair?” He asked gently.

Spock looked up at him and tried to move.

McCoy went to his aid, and just about got Spock into the chair, as the Vulcan’s legs nearly buckled. “Wait here.” He said gently. “Do not try and move. I’m going to get my medical bag. I’m going to try and be of some help. I won’t hurt you.” He tried to assure Spock, seeing the expression in his eyes. “I’m no threat here.” McCoy turned, walked to his bedroom next door, and fetched the bag back into the bathroom – once again, moving to Spock’s side. He moved the Medical Tricorder in proximity to Spock’s body.

“I don’t want to have to go back to Vulcan, and throw myself at the mercy of whoever the Healers find for me.” Spock managed to say, and he said it plainly. “You say that you’re no threat to me – then, does that mean that you’re here to help me?” Spock touched McCoy’s face.

McCoy’s hand went to hold Spock’s. “Don’t you think that we’d both feel guilty? That Jim might then ask us if we both have always felt something for each other? Ask you if you flipped a coin for us, or something?”

“You’re correct.” Spock replied so tiredly. “You will just have to let me go, Bones.” Spock used Jim’s name for their friend. “Let me die. He probably is waiting for me already.”

“I can’t let you go, Spock. Not now, when he’s only just gone. Not until our very old days, if I can help it.” McCoy confided. “Can we just get you to Vulcan, please?”

Spock nodded, conceding.

))))

McCoy had gone to Vulcan with Spock, (after the Vulcan Embassy arranged a flight for them). He insisted upon it, since he had, after all, been the Medic in residence with Spock, for the past few days.

Once there, it was a matter of handing Spock over to the Healers. McCoy stayed in the grounds of Sarek and Amanda’s home, in a lodge on their land. He’d been on Vulcan just over twenty four Earth hours, by his reckoning, when the Healers asked him, Sarek, and Amanda, to the Hospital, to discuss Spock’s ‘case’.

At the hospital, McCoy sat in a consulting room, opposite Sarek and Amanda; Sarek sat there, hands steepled, looking as though he were in some level of meditation. Amanda got up and walked around every now and again. She and McCoy would glance at each other, and smile, trying to reassure one another.

A Healer, a male, who would, McCoy estimated, be about thirty human years old, perhaps thirty two or thirty three, entered the room, and began talking to them.

“The mating that we arranged did not work.” He told them. “We have considered use of the new Holodeck facility that has been installed here at the hospital, but that could make things worse. In his mind’s current state, believing a hologram to be real, and then, finding that it isn’t, when we turn off the holodeck program, could cause even more separation trauma than Spock is already suffering. It could also lead to him harming whomever he thinks has separated him from ‘Kirk’. Unfortunately, this is something to consider in most of the things we have either tried for Spock, or thought about trying.He has six hours of lucidity left. Therefore, in five point five three hours, we intend to put Spock in an induced coma. This will be either until he has pulled through the Plak Tow, with medical assistance, or until he dies.” He paused. “If Spock had successfully Bonded with anyone before James T. Kirk, then, perhaps that would work, but this is not the case is it?”

“No.” Sarek replied. 

Amanda shook her head, wiping away a single tear with her handkerchief, perhaps from guilt that she’d ever let that Betrothal happen, perhaps, for her son now, and McCoy inwardly shuddered at the thought of that bitch, T’Pring.

“The Bond of you, Doctor McCoy, carrying Spock’s Katra, is different to the Bond created of love, from Spock and Kirk’s union.” The Healer stated.

“This I know.” McCoy commented.

“There is a chance that Spock’s mind would see your bond with him as a threat to the one he is grieving for, and shared with James T. Kirk.” The young Doctor fathomed.

“But?” McCoy asked.

“The bond, the closeness, that stems from, and surrounds, your bond, might be enough.” Was his answer.

“Yet it could bring forward Plak Tow?” McCoy asked, “In his muddled mind?”

“We should be able to stop it getting that far, but it is a risk to be given thought. As I have said, we have calculated that Spock now has a little less than six hours left to him, before Plak Tow steals away his mind and identity. Every option contains risks.” The Vulcan Doctor told the human Doctor, and Spock’s parents. The Healer looked at each of the people in the room and, said, “I’ll give you some moments to talk amongst yourselves, and then, I will be back, and will take you through to Spock’s room. He wishes to see each of you in turn.” The Healer, having said that, turned, and left.

Amanda looked from Sarek to McCoy. “I know I cannot expect a miracle again, and, perhaps, I am being selfish, if Jim has truly gone, too, but I can’t lose Spock again. I can’t!”

“Neither can I.” McCoy noted, getting up from his chair, and walking to where the Healer had previously left the room.

“Where are you going, Leonard?” Amanda asked. “I didn’t mean that you should risk yourself for him.”

McCoy turned back momentarily. “I know. Don’t worry.” He turned back to the door, and walked through it.

)))

After finding the Healer that had just spoken to them, McCoy convinced the young man to let him into Spock’s room, to talk with him right now.

He found himself in Spock’s room, and moved forward quickly, to sit by his bed, lean forward, and talk to him.

Spock looked at him, as McCoy held his hand.

“You remember, two days ago, when you asked if I could help you?” McCoy stroked Spock’s hand. “I can’t let you die.”

“You must let me do so.” Spock answered.

“If we did this, if you and I had sex,” McCoy waited a second, trying to gage the stare that Spock gave him. “We could dedicate our lives to finding out what happened to Jim. You told me that you don’t think he’s dead. I don’t either.” Leonard paused. “I can’t lose you both. I might be ruining my friendship with you both, in the future, but I need to save you, Spock. Please, let me try. So, that we can get on with helping Jim.”

“He might not forgive me. In as many days as partners, I have at least tried to have sex with, first, a stranger, and now, you. The Healers stepped in and stopped things when they picked me out a partner, because they were afraid my fighting instinct, the Plak Tow, would come forward, if I felt I was being forced into anything. Jim will still have much to forgive me for.” Spock replied, imaging Jim asking if McCoy had always been in the picture; if that was why he gave McCoy his Karta; if Spock had only chosen Jim because he was the ‘easiest’ to go for; his Bisexual predilections known?

“He would want you to live – He definitely will want you alive, if he’s out there somewhere… There’s no guarantee we’ll find him.” McCoy saw panic in Spock’s eyes, and tried to soothe it away by gently touching his cheekbone, carefully brushing his thumb over it. He continued to do so, as Spock’s hand came to his face, and touched him similarly. ‘Perhaps this is the beginning of a mild meld of sorts.’ McCoy thought. “Yet, we’re going to do all we can to bring him home, aren’t we? And, that starts with getting you better. Just give yourself a chance at another seven years of this life. We don’t know for sure that Jim is gone yet.”

)))

After his and Spock’s talk, it was arranged for them to have the privacy they needed, and the medications that would help them both through this…

Bones lay on a large bed, beside Spock, facing him. He blushed bright red, he knew he did, as he said. “Spock, I know this is a cliché, but, please, try and be gentle with me. I’ve never done it with a man before.”

Spock could not hide his own awkwardness, as he replied. “It could be less nerve-wracking for us both if we at least started this, with you be the one to penetrate me.” He paused. “The majority of the time, it is how Jim and I do things…” He paused. “It is how we did things.”

“Okay…” McCoy was still nervous. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to…” He cleared his throat. “If I’ll be able to get it up though, Spock. So, you in me is probably going to give you the best result.”

“May I touch you?” Spock asked, trying to fight the trembling in his body and in his voice.

“Yes.” McCoy was doing the same.

Spock’s hands moved down, caressing and coaxing McCoy’s thighs, and then, very surreptitiously, he touched McCoy’s genitalia, using his nimble and elegant fingers, pulling himself and McCoy into an embrace with his other arm, so that they could lean upon one another.

McCoy felt himself get a hard on. He felt nervous again, but made an effort to relax in Spock’s hands, as they looked into each other’s eyes. He kissed Spock’s collarbone, as Spock continued touching him, and they looked, again, at one another. McCoy was afraid that the kiss was one step too far – neither of them wanted to be disloyal to Jim. Yet, kisses to the body seemed to be accepted, when given and received – even if they were afraid to kiss each other on the lips, or, in the Vulcan way, of the O’zhesta.

Spock turned around, almost silently, and McCoy knew what he was being asked to do. He moved closer to Spock, and gradually, gradually, he found his way inside Spock. He used the palms of his hands, cupping the front of Spock’s shoulders tenderly, and began to roll his hips. They fucked, for a while, like this, until somehow, perhaps through a low level of touch telepathy at this early stage, or because he was doing it with another man, and knew what certain signs meant, even across the so-called species ‘divide’ apparently, or because, well, he was a Doctor, McCoy knew that Spock was yearning for more touch somewhere specific – on his cock. “Is it alright if I touch you there?” McCoy murmured.

“I think so. I hope so. Please.” Spock answered.

McCoy nearly froze. Was Spock in tears, with his back turned, not just for sexual reasons, but so that McCoy wouldn’t see him cry? He was very careful as he touched the half-Vulcan, in his most intimate physical place.

Spock was yearning.

McCoy was too.

They both felt guilty, and they knew it… But mentioning it out loud, other than in utterances and loving touches between their minds, as a meld grew, might mean that this wouldn’t work, and would all be for nothing…

“Shall I keep going?” McCoy asked, disbelieving that he was considering the other option; letting Spock slip into death, in a coma.

Spock put his fist on his thigh, as he cried silently. “Please. You are not harming me. Not at all. I am upset because I am responding to this, enjoying it.”

McCoy braved moving one of his hands, and holding Spock’s hand; half wondering if Spock would push it away; pleased that he didn’t. “I’d rather we both enjoy this, than hate it. Hating it would make it in to something terrible. As it is, this is about a bid for life. Yours, and Jim’s, and mine – because I don’t want to be without either of you. Whatever happens, Jim will love you forever. I’m not sure what he’ll think of me – but you, he’ll love forever.”

Spock leaned his body back on McCoy’s.

McCoy kissed the nape of Spock’s neck, and held him as he’d just admitted, by leaning back, that he needed to be held.

They continued making love; trying not to think about the guilt they felt, or their awkwardness, or their nerves, about what would happen the rest of this night, or any other –after this became a part of their past.

'Please, live. Please, let this be worth it.' McCoy prayed, in the midst of so many other thoughts. His thoughts spoke of two men, as well as to himself. He prayed that these thoughts, and all that stemmed from them, would not upset Spock further; and, that his actions here, would not be resented, ever, by Spock, or by Jim. Everything here, in this bed, was for love's sake.  
The End?

Written on the 23rd and 26th of April 2016/Updated On: 30.1.2017


	4. We Are As We Have Always Been Meant To Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCoy comes home to such Love

We Are As We Have Always Been Meant To Be

When Kirk was found, and rescued; he, of course, came home. McCoy then left his dear friends, Jim and Spock, alone – to concentrate on their Bond; their relationship, in the light of what he and Spock had done – at the start of the period in their lives when they were told that Jim had most likely been killed in action- to keep Spock alive, in hope of this very situation – Jim’s return.

Jim Kirk had been home, back with Spock, living and loving with him, for six months now. Recently they had talked, mind melded, and meditated extensively all about one aspect – that their friend, Leonard McCoy, was absent from their lives; absent, and yet, much needed; with Spock giving the idea, the hope, his blessing, Jim sat down and wrote a letter to ‘Bones’ Leonard H. McCoy.

XXXX

Bones,

Spock and I BOTH, would like to ask you, please, to consider coming home here, to both of us. We miss you, and know that life must be very tough on you, without your true connection to the Bond that was forged between yourself and Spock.

I realise, as does Spock, that you might think this too painful an idea to consider; too much of a case of Pandora’s Box. Yet, I’m here, and with Spock, we are, perhaps, selfishly asking something more of you, yet again. Please, come home to us both. Please, call here, with us, your home. I know that we all had ‘stuff’ to get our heads around when I returned home. I know that, to help us, you both sacrificed and risked so much – all in the name of how much you love us. Yet, it’s not just because of gratitude, or trying to adjust to the situation, that Spock and I have been moved to write this letter. We genuinely love you, and yes, although we assume nothing of you, we do mean that kind of love.

Spock says that the Bond can incorporate the three of us; be partially made anew; though partially made of what you and I individually have shared with Spock, and he with us – but, also, it will be made of the love and the Bond that the three of us, perhaps, have always shared. We both need you home with us. It’s not a case of me trying to keep Spock, or yourself, happy, in light of everything. This is real, and wanted, for Spock and me. We only hope that you feel the same way about us? If you don’t, know that you will always have our well wishes, our warmest kindness, and our true friendship, if you want it in your life; at the very least, you are our brother – our much loved, closest family member.

Spock and I feel that this, the three of us, is what has always been meant to be. We hope that this thought, and any others you may have on the subject(s) in this letter, do not frighten you.

If you do want to come home, Len, please, do tell us to expect you. It has been half a standard Earth year, since I returned home. We would like you to be with us by the time the year anniversary comes around – much before then, if you want to be here at all, and are ready. We do genuinely love you; we promise you that, and we also promise you that you will not ever be left out in the cold again. We won’t, even once, pressure you to do anything within our Bond, our Love, that you feel uncomfortable with. You will be safe. You will be at home with us. Truly. You can have as much, or as little, of this relationship, as you want/need.

Like I said, let us know of your decision when you can. We miss and love you as much as we have ever missed and loved each other. Our love is still alive; you will not be breaking it, stressing it, stretching it, or anything else you might fear accidentally causing. You will add to it, and we will be Blessed by you doing so. You will be joining it, and we you.

With all our love for you, we send this letter.

Warmest thoughts to you, our beloved friend,

From Jim and Spock

Xxxx XXXX xxxx

 

Leonard McCoy cried when he read that letter, and again, when quite soon after receiving it, he saw Jim and Spock on his Vid Comm. Screen, and told them he would be coming home to them as immediately as possible. “Thank you.” He told them, when each of the three of them, had to bring this call to an end. “I love you.”

Both Jim and Spock also had tears in their eyes as they so gratefully received his words/his news.

“Thank you, Bones. We love you so much. You have made us both so happy.” Jim told McCoy, absolutely truthfully.

“Indeed. You have made us both filled to the brim with our love for you, Leonard. My Ashayam, you are part of my soul.” Spock confided.

_ _ _ __ ___

When Jim opened the door to McCoy, and Spock stood behind Jim, but then, moved forward to welcome him in also, McCoy was embraced by both men when the front door to the apartment shut It was a true homecoming, though Spock and Jim were already considerate of the fact that he might still feel like a bit of an interloper in what he considered, foremostly, their home. So, as they all talked, sitting together, they said that if he felt it would be of help to him, they would move to Jim’s family’s old Ranch in Iowa.

They sat, ate, and talked together for hours. Then, they mind melded, and let their minds come together in the Bond. Afterward, they continued to talk; to communicate.

Jim broached another aspect of their new life, as carefully as he had broached all the others, that night. “We have bought a new bed, Bones; for no other reason than that the old one wasn’t truly big enough for three. I promise you, we harbour no other reasons.”

“We do not wish to be presumptuous, Leonard. If you do not wish to share a bed with us now, or ever, we accept that.” Spock pledged.

“What if I do wish to?” Bones asked. He felt his bond-mates each touch a shoulder of his.

“Then, we will gladly and happily receive you.” Jim promised, smiling gently, affectionately.

“I concur.” Spock noted; his voice soft.

“I know…” McCoy promised him, promised them both.

“We can have as little or as much physical contact as you wish; between any two, or all three, of us.” Spock replied.

“You just take whatever time you need, and tell us what you do, and don’t, want of us.” Jim gently touched Leonard’s shoulder again.

“I understand if you want to do things gradually, to take things slowly.” Leonard answered. “But I can’t help but feel that we’ve ‘wasted’ too much time, being apart. Can I be with you both tonight? Can we?” McCoy braved asking them.

“Can I kiss you?” Jim asked, as he caressed Len’s back.

Len smiled, shyly, and nodded.

Jim was so gentle, yet so definite, so affirming; the touch of their lips was all McCoy had ever hoped for. He leaned, gratefully, on Jim, after their kiss, and finally whispered. “I have always been, secretly, more than a little bit in love with you, James T. Kirk.”

“I know that now.” Jim grinned. “God, I love you so much, Bones. You do believe and know that now, don’t you?”

“Yes.” McCoy was crying again, as he lay his head on Jim’s chest, his ear to Jim’s heartbeat; embraced by him, and then, by Spock also.

“May I also kiss you, Len?” Spock conscientiously checked with him, as he leant in, rubbing McCoy’s back lovingly, and so courteously, so considerately approached him.

Jim smiled, and so did Leonard McCoy. He turned around between his two loves.

“Can I hold you, Spock?” He asked. These questions, plainly, all sounded so odd, and yet not, from and to the three of them.

Spock nodded his consent and his wish to be held by Len.

They stepped toward each other, and kissed. Gentle touches, warm, needing caresses. Such amazingly sweet love.

Then, the three of them walked to their room, and their bed; briefly stopping in the bathroom along the hall. By the side of their bed, soon after that ‘pit-stop’, they undressed each other as carefully as they could. 

Jim climbed on to the bed first. 

Then, he and Spock helped McCoy onto to the bed.

“Which configuration do you wish, Ashayam?” Spock asked, tracing one side of Leonard McCoy’s face with his elegant Vulcan fingers and their tips.

“I think I’d like to be in the middle of you both. It seems my place – but I don’t want to split you two up.” McCoy added. “I mean, what if that happens? What if, when you’re having your seven year itch,” McCoy turned to Spock, “you think that I’m your rival? And, if we all get beyond that night, together, as a unit, will it always be that we’re together, or will my status cause another seven year itch of a different kind between us all?”

“My mind and my body will seek you both, Len, you and Jim, both. You both have love that I need, and physicality that I will need; that I do need. We,” Spock touched McCoy’s chest. “You and I, and Jim, or Jim, myself, and you, or Jim you, and I – We are Bonded. We are what we need. It will always be that way now.”

Len caressed and cradled Spock’s hand. He looked back to Jim. “The only way I want to come between you, is to cum between you, if you get my drift.” He found himself admitting self-conciously.

“We can make that happen.” Jim grinned.

McCoy looked to Jim, and to Spock. They both looked at him so lovingly. He felt his tears, and theirs, again.

“You didn’t come between us, back then, and it doesn’t even apply anymore, if it ever did. It’s the three of us, remember?” Jim mentioned, assuring, between their undeniable tears.

“Yes.” McCoy smiled.

Then, they all began to settle on the bed together.

McCoy lay there on his back, between his two beautiful men, whom he so loved.

Jim and Spock, each, were propped up on one of their elbows, and they looked into McCoy’s eyes, as their hands joined over his body, and touched his body; at that point, they were, each of them, joined to the other two, and they were three together. Then, Jim and Spock broke their hand holding apart so that they could each stroke his thighs, and his inside leg. Slipping their individual, inspired touches up and down his skin, across his groin; moving in their own time, and, sometimes, in unison, each touching him with the same move to the same place, from their side; occasionally lacing their fingers together over and underneath his need. They held him in natural, yet co-ordinated touches, each responding to him, individually, and yet, together.

His hands clasped at their hands, their bodies, and his own body, as his hips lifted from their bed, and their erections met his thighs. He turned one way, and then, the other, laid on one side and then, the other, kissing each of them on the lips, reaching for them, carding his fingers through their hair, pressing himself back, or forward, to the tips of their erections.

They wiped tears of joy from Leonard’s face, and from his very erect, need filled, emboldened penis- and, he wiped tears from their eyes, with his loving, country doctor hands, and the flesh below his waist; that he gave to them as freely as they gave him theirs, each of them.

Whispers of “love me, fuck me, hold me, sweetheart.” Ran over their lips and through their joined minds, filling their Bond, that lifted them, reaching so high – all of them together- “Thank, God, and thank you, Home, and I Love You. We love you.” echoed throughout the room, and their souls.

McCoy came first; crying his heart out; happily, at last.

Spock, who would have liked to be able to say that he had the control to hold out the longest, actually came second. “Tu Dena Val, Ashaya. You are our T’hy’la. We are devoted to you; to all of this. I love you Len… I thank you so much!” Spock actually gave a running commentary as he was in the stages of Climax. “I have missed you, sweet one.” He confided as the three of them ground out a locomotive rhythm that they were all responding to. “I love you both. I love you both with all that I am, and I am all this, because of your love for me, and my love for each of you. My T’hy’la.”

Moments after Spock came, Jim’s semen also, spilled into, and onto, McCoy’s body; the beauty of these two men, and being with them both, overwhelmed him, but joyously so – He and Spock held hands while touching McCoy’s body, clasped over his thigh; they joined the three of them in touch, to augment their already wondrous Bond. They moved for each other. They gave all for, and to, the need of each other.

McCoy lay filled physically by them both, as well as emotionally accompanied, and in sync, with both of them. Jim and Spock – Spock- and Jim. They were his lovers; would always now, be his lovers. They were his answer, and he was, and would always be, theirs. Their lover, their answer.

It was, at last, so sweet, for each of them. 

The End..?

30.1.17


End file.
